I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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