I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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