Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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