god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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