my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
