the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
