If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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