I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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