I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Randomize
