i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Dicks are not precious.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
