she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
