Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
She needs sedatives and a leash
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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