he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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