If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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