The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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