God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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