I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
