She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
