LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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