I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
