I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
COCAINE IS GR8
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
