I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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