I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You are a genius and a whore.
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