Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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