Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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