He told me they were just razor bumps!
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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