No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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