glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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