Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
