I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
