3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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