what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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