I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
