I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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