is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
