Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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