Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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