70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
