My hand turned me down
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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