remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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