i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
