ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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