i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
