This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
