I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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