we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
