ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
