It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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