never play flip cup with pint glasses
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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