Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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