I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
