I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
17 year olds will be the death of me.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
