we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize