I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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