Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
