dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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