I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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