I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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