No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize