She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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