ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
