Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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