sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
